Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.