Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
😂😂
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
🤣
Still cracks me up
