Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”