Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.