Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Planet of the Apps.

This line from Airplane.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

:/

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences