Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

How to walk around a museum

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.