Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

this is what they would have looked like, though

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child