Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.