Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.