Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
You Might Also Like
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.