Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

“That’s what” – She

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.