Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

sin harder.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.