Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.![]()
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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please