Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.![]()
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Saw online –
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.