twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
