twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.