2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
