Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!