Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

You know…for fall…

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying