Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Before & after 😅

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.