Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
You Might Also Like
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to