Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.