Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

ugh not again

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?