Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.