Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The devil.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere