Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE