[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
the chicken was already gone when I got here
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?