Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

tis the season

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.