[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.