[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
that wasn’t the question
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?