Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

The chart results are in…

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.