[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
President The Rock Obama
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
And bowling should be called pinball
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.