[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Only a mother’s love …
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I can also cook 😂
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]