“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.