@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

You Might Also Like

@bornmiserable

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@Vijaytiwari1611

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.