Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Otters see a butterfly.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me irl
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter