Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
#SuperBowl
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
called in thicc to work this morning
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace