Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.