Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.