Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
As per my last nervous breakdown
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.