two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Dudes named Chance never had one.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My biological clock is wheezing.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.