two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
This is amazing.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*