Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Yup

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap