two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”