two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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