Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!