‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*


‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’


My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here


I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.


“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”


Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!


Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure