‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical