Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”