Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax