Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
due date
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*