Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
You Might Also Like
Did my cat write this
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
How I like cutting carbs
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
pls suprot
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.