Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Seems kinda suspicious
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?