@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.

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@IfIwassomething

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

@einaregilsson

Every time I get this notification from Facebook about the birthday of some acquaintance I last spoke to 9 years ago I wonder how they would react if I just posted “I am thinking about you” on their wall…

@Tmoney68

Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@flashember

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

@dougcrosssley

Sometimes I have these really intense moments where I just have to close my eyes and count and count and count and then when I open them everyone is gone and I’m alone. And I realise it’s my job to find them. Because we’re playing hide and seek.