Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

definitely did not do anything wrong

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Monday

Cat or sheep

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.