Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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This story is comedy gold 😂
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I bet
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.