Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

I’m giving up ice.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.