Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I am yelling
