@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

You Might Also Like

@hgracestewart

I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

@saintmikayla

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah

@TheRobCee

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

@LeBearGirdle

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@KeetPotato

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@hellominamoo

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@gogglepossum

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]