Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
This anagram machine is out of order.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*