I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”
wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]