Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Breaking news:
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.