Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

doing some research

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.