Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.