Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

🥲

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.