Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.