Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Still a very good boi….