Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I pray every night that I never become religious…

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.