Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

👀

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.