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Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.