Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.