Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Roses are red, you always mattered,

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.