Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Follow me for more life hacks.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!