Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
#NeverForget
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.