Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Mistakes were made